Situation Report
Colonel Seth Woogus
Date: August 31
Weather: Fair
As per intelligence, squad approached warehouse said to be housing suspect “Clyde.” Entrance breached with small explosive and sweeping maneuvers initiated by all squad members.
Upon entrance, the building was clear; neither the suspect nor anyone else was in the area. All we found was a riding lawn mower, circa 1973. Somebody had thrown a knife through it. Not sure why.
No signs of a struggle, except for the explosion and the lawn mower with a knife in it. A quick sweep of the surrounding area revealed nothing. The squad headed back to our transport for debriefing. Private Downey announced that the vehicle had been sabotaged and would not start. We would have to wait about an hour for pickup, as the mission was so under the radar, we had not planned any backup.
Private Downey then reported seeing movement at the north end of the complex. What he claimed to be a “lost child” turned out to be a wolf, inspecting a nearby ditch. NOTE: Private Downey was only recently promoted to this squad against my advice. At this point I had not ruled out that he was responsible for the vehicle’s malfunction and had concocted some story about a “sabotage” to prevent me from beating him to death with his own skull.
Squad members took up strategic positions and it was determined that the subject in question was not a child, or a human at all. It was merely a pack of wolves attracted to what we assumed was roadkill in the ditch. The “hold fire” signal was given, and Private Downey mistook it for “weapons free,” which is the exact opposite. He put a round through one of the wolves’ heads and it was instantly killed.
The rest of the pack scattered and the squad approached the area on alert, while I held back to demand an explanation from Private Downey. He claimed he had meant to fire a “warning shot.” I then explained to the private why I was taking apart his weapon and throwing each part individually into the woods.
A severely wounded person was discovered in the ditch, who had actually been the source of the wolves’ attention. He was tied to a chair and, given the diameter and placement of the hole in the side of the warehouse, seemed to have been blown out by the force of our entry blast.
He was disoriented and bloodied, and I hauled him out of the ditch myself, at which point he warned me that he may “suddenly pass out” and get “bitey,” which I assumed were merely the ramblings of a brain damaged degenerate.
The subject was placed on board our backup transport, which had finally arrived, and the squad headed back to base. I informed HQ of our progress and began questioning the witness who, entirely unprovoked, mentioned a familiarity with suspect “Clyde.” When questioned further regarding “Clyde,” the subject stuttered incoherently.
He then identified himself as “Russell Gunston, professional snowboarder.”
Shortly after this, the subject went totally limp and collapsed in a heap. I assumed this was an attempt to avoid interrogation and poked him with the butt of my rifle with increasing severity. Several squadmembers hoisted him up in the air and attempts were made to resuscitate him, but he had all the aspects of an actual corpse, except for the wildly increased pulse rate.
Within a few minutes, he began voluntary movement again, but his pupils were severely dialated and he did not seem to be aware of his own actions.
Foaming at the mouth, the subject scrambled around on the floor of the transport before springing to his feet and striking one of the squad members in the jaw. Caught off guard, he fell to the ground and did not get back up.
The subject then vomited and fell down. Before anyone could react, his voice, somewhat jarbled, managed to say something about being “gifted sexually” and then instantly collapsed again, striking his head on the metal surface, hard. I instructed Private Downey and several others to subdue the subject, when I heard another squadmember let out a piercing shriek. The subject had buried his teeth into the man’s ankle and wasn’t letting go.
Private Downey began kicking the subject in the ribs, only to have him grab Downey by the boot and flip him onto his back, delivering an extremely intense kick to the testicles, and snarling like a wild animal.
At this point, our transport had entered city limits and any disturbance would have drawn the attention of local police. I instructed the driver to stop the vehicle immediately so that the subject could be subdued without anymore casualties. The sudden stop sent the subject stumbling backwards and hitting the transport doors so hard that he went right through them, rolling into the street.
Somehow, he avoided being struck by other traffic and rolled onto the side of the road. Any attempts to re-capture the subject would have been most conspicuous, so I ordered the driver to immediately vacate the scene.
We arrived back at base with three wounded and neither suspect “Clyde” nor the subject we had found.
The whereabouts of both suspects are completely unknown. The trail on “Clyde” has once again gone dry, and “Russell Gunston” (definitely not real name), we are informed, has been re-captured by two former members of “Operation: Danger, Will Robinson.”
Thankfully, the wolf killed during the operation was discovered to be of an endangered species and Private Downey has been arrested, currently awaiting a court martial.
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